I Won't Let You Die
by KickPrevails
Summary: Oneshot. Chris's thoughts when he's forced to shoot either himself or Ashley.


Finally. I said it.

Of course, the circumstances weren't ideal. She was covered in blood and tied to a chair and there was a maniac trying to kill us and I said it.

It was the fact that we were literally staring death in the eyes, I think. We were going to die. I knew we were going to die. She was so scared. I was so scared.

I needed to tell her before we died. So I did.

I love her. That's the truth. And now she knows it.

And now that she knows it, I feel motivated to get us out of this. I feel motivated to be her hero.

The saws above our heads (I didn't notice them before) begin whirring. Slowly descending down on us. I look at her. She looks so scared.

So I tell her not to be scared. I tell her I'll get her out of this. I tell her I won't let her die.

"Ashley, I'll get you out of this, I won't let you die!"

I'm determined to be her hero. I'm determined to save her.

His voice.

It's twisted and psychotic and I'm so confused because I still can't wrap my head around this. _How_ the _hell_ is this _real_?

And then there's a gun. And I see it. And he says I have to choose.

I can either kill Ashley or kill myself.

My head is pounding. I can feel my hands shaking. I can't be responsible for this again. Not after Josh. NOT after Josh.

The whirring grows louder. I look up. They're getting closer. This is it. I have to do something. If I don't do something, we _both_ die. We can't both die. What would be the point if we both die?

I shoot the saws. What the hell did I expect? Whatever.

It's hard for me to look at her. But I do. And she's looking at me. And in all of this confusion, I remember… I'm supposed to be her hero.

I love her. That's the truth. And now she knows it. And I told her I wouldn't let her die. So I won't. Even if it means that I can't live. I won't let her die. I told her. I love her.

The gun is cold against my neck. Holding it there is so fucking hard. Pointing it at myself is so fucking hard. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.

…but I want her to live.

She screams in protest. I'm surprised. She _insists_ that I shoot her instead. She insists that I kill her instead. I'm so goddamn confused.

I don't want to die. I want her to live. I _want_ her to _live_ … _but what do I want more?_

She's still screaming. It's getting in my head. Holding this gun to my neck is so hard. I don't want to pull the trigger. "It should be me!"

If I don't do something, we'll both die.

She's crying. This gun on my neck is too heavy. I can't keep it there. She's still crying. But I can't hear her anymore. The only thing in my head is that I don't want to die.

If I don't do something, we'll both die. What would be the point of that? And she doesn't want me to die. And I don't want me to die. Neither of us wants me to die. So why would I let both of us die? What the hell would be the point of that?

"It should be me!"

God.

I don't want to die.

IdontwanttodieidontwanttodieidontwanttoFUCKINGDIE!

…

FUCK!

I just fucking shot Ashley. I can't believe it. Fucking hell. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

The saws stop. I drop the gun. I can't believe myself. I want to scream.

I look at her. Her eyes are closed. She isn't crying anymore… because I shot her. I fucking shot her.

But…

…she's… not dead.

No. She's not dead.

She's breathing. Her eyes are wide. She's scared. How is she alive?

What…

Oh my god…

I hate myself so much right now… because I don't know if I should be happy that she's alive or sad.

Sense is coming back to me. I was… I was out of it. I made a huge mistake. I told her I wouldn't let her die. And I shot her. But I love her. Why… I love her. And she's alive. I didn't kill her, thank God I didn't kill her, but… why am I not happy?

Oh… because I shot her. And she knows I shot her.

Her eyes are wide. She's shocked. She's horrified. And I realize… she only told me to shoot her because she wanted _me_ to live. She was trying to be _my_ hero.

I was supposed to be _her_ hero.

Fuck!

What do I fucking say after this? What do I do? She's still looking at me. She's looking at me like _I'm_ the maniac who's been killing our friends. She looks so scared.

She's scared of me.

I shot her.

I can't believe myself. I just… can't believe it. Oh god, what do I do… how can I fix this?

I want to say _I'm sorry_ … but I know that won't be enough. I don't even know if I _am_ sorry. All I know is that I didn't want to die.

No… I'm a monster. I _am_ the monster she sees me as. Because I killed somebody else to save myself. I KILLED HER. ME. It was in MY hands.

Oh god, Ash…

How could I do that? How could I kill someone to save myself? How could I... I'd never do that to anyone. Especially the girl I love.

But apparently, I would. Because I just did. And I hate myself for it.

I hate myself so much.

I look at her again.

Her eyes have become unreadable.

They're a mix of hurt… betrayal… anger… fear.

They aren't sparkling like they usually do.

Like when she gets all excited about something she's passionate about.

Or when she looks at me. Her eyes always used to light up when she looked at me.

Not anymore.

Fuck.

I…

I can't apologize. How do I apologize? I…

There's no coming back from this.

I'm so sorry. I'm so… so goddamn sorry.

Forgive me, Ashley, I… I didn't mean…

But my words never reach her. I don't say a word. Because the damage has been done. It's over.

I want to make amends. I want to fix things.

"I won't let you die!"

Fuck.

"I won't let you die!"

Fuck!

I shot her. I fucking shot her.

"I won't let you die!"

…

It's over.

* * *

 **A/N: Alas, the whole point of this story was to provide emphasis on the fact that Chris shooting Ashley is out of character for him. Like,** _ **deathly**_ **out of character.**

 **Evidently, if you make him act out of character, Ashley will too. Just like if you make Matt abandon Jessica. Just like if you make Sam set the lodge on fire with everyone inside. This situation is no different.**

 **Therefore, there is NO reason to hate Ashley because of this incident.**

 **Thanks for your time.**


End file.
